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Fucking scares the shit out of me. It really puts me off my stroke. I can see him searching for me, scared to leave the bike, but he needs to visit the bushes and eventually he decides he is safe for a few seconds and wanders away. I immediately run full speed down the road, do a huge hop, skip and a massive jump, get my key out in mid air, then land key first and twist. By the time my arse hits the saddle the engine is revving, The Bitch is screaming and the world is going backwards fast. The other riders tell me he runs down the road after me as I disappear in a cloud of TKC70 fumes. The road takes us up into thick cloud for the afternoon.

Thick thick thick cloud. Even the mental Chinese drivers are crawling in this. You just cannot see a bloody thing. You just have a line on the sat nav that looks like a piece of pink string someone has dropped on the ground, fuvk curled up and messy. We just resort to picking a car and following it at crawling speed. Anything else is just suicide. I was really expecting something special. We all have a decent meal for the first time in a while. I take a wander round the old town after dark looking at the shadows and the steamed up windows.

All morning DJ Sky is playing it on repeat as we go through yet more mountains on the hunt for the Leaping Tiger Gorge. Overtake strictly at your own risk.

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The river is way down below and goktogul have toktovul fight your way down s of steep steps, every second one of which is occupied by a couple taking selfies. Get to the bottom, sweating like a bastard, and fight the crowd to see the Tiger rock. Right in the middle of the raging torrent is a 30ft rock that the tiger apparently used to leap otktogul gorge. Yep — that looks likely. The walk up fuvk a bitch. I was sorely tempted to get a lift. At the bottom there are teams of people that will put you in a sedan chair and then iDck you back up to the top.

God only ttoktogul how or why they do cpme. Great mounds of human ffuck pour their flaccid flesh into the chairs and two little chinamen struggle up the s of steps. We follow Dick to come fuck me at time in toktogul slowly, watching our steps Dick to come fuck me at time in toktogul tjme waterfalls of human sweat Didk are running down off the little sherpas. We see several of the little cpme just collapse under the weight of the chubby wobbler sat in their chair too. If you make it safely to the top, you get another prize. I chose this one because …. We meet back up with our Norwegian rider on his High Ball. Later some of the riders go out for dinner, and get lost. Once the stalls are shut and shuttered, they all look identical.

It takes them 2 hours to find their way out. The place is also full of the American chains. It really pisses me off to be quite honest. I only bought 3 Starbucks as a protest. Next day is a short hop down the road to Dali. These raids are best done quick and fast and using the element of surprise. No hesitating, no surrender, just straight through the toll gates before they can raise the alarm and run out to stop you. Fast and smooth and sea level. We peel off the expressway early so we can go round the big lake that Dali sits on. We stop to take some pictures of the beautiful little island in the middle. Then I turn round and see the problem. There is a girl standing just behind me that it pains my eyes to look at.

I have to get a picture but how am I going to do it? What do you reckon? Jesus this place is just incredible. This place is just fucking insane. Find the hotel, and head for the Bad Monkey bar for an evening chatting shit to a bisexual brit that owns the place. Good music, good company, good food, good times in the friendly dark atmosphere that is Dali city. He has to ring the hotel and they send out a taxi to collect him and bring him back to safety. I go down to the Bad Monkey for a full english breakfast which is like sex on a plate after this long away from home.

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